The beginning line to all my best stories told to the amusement of anyone within earshot. Because before I gave up dating as the chaos it truly is — the experience gave me endless fodder for some great conversations.
And for that alone, I am immensely grateful.
How bizarre are those tales you may ask? Here are a few of the highlights:
There was this guy I used to date:
Who had a tattoo of the Roman Numeral 13 (XIII) on his wrist. I later found out it stood for the Thirteen Original Colonies and when he mentioned Bible Study he was talking about going to his local militia meetings. The meetings where he and like-minded men discussed what they would do to A) defend “me & mine” against the corruption of democracy that currently rules The Federation of States. B) Overthrow said democracy if it wandered too far from the constitution. C) Defend the Second Amendment at all costs -including throwing out all the other amendments. Because really — the Second Amendment is the only one that ‘counts’. I had one word for this guy — Drones.
Who was a Retired Ranger from the Army but who also served as a contractor for Black Water. He once told me that he really missed killing people. Then proceeded to make me the most exquisite Italian dinner I ever ate. BTW — I still have his number and his promise to help me out of any situation that might require his unique talents. I don’t think he meant cooking. Men are complex beasts.
Who swore he loved me. We both rode motorcycles and had planned to go to Bike Week in Daytona that spring. He introduced me to his kids and everything. Then he proceeded to dump me on Valentine’s Day morning. Via text. At 8 AM. I had not even finished my coffee yet. I was really annoyed about missing Bike Week.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of good times with these quirky guys. I broke up with them or they broke up with me. No harm no foul. That’s the breaks in dating. And I learned a lot about myself along the way.
I will always be grateful for the adventures and the stories and All The Things my foray into The Land Of Dating taught me.
Mostly I’m grateful that I’ve learned I do not ever want to do that shit again.