In the last six months or so — every time I arch my back into ‘cat’ or ‘cow’ position — it’s there. When I gently roll up into ‘bridge’ pose — it’s there then too.
Right below my left shoulder blade, on the backside of my heart. The pain.
I always wonder why its there?
I’ve worked diligently over eighteen years of my yoga practice to crank open a completely welded shut heart chakra. I’ve peeled layer after layer of armor off my chest, released grief and found my breath at long last. But now — pain. And only in these two poses.
It aches, this wound, and I always forget it’s there, until I drop to my knees and begin to roll into cow. Then it nearly takes my breath away with the swiftness of its manifestation.
I get up and flow through standing poses — raising my arms, even arching my back with no further sensation. Until I lay down and bridge pose activates the pain again. Camel pose, even wheel does not bother The Wound. Just these two asanas.
The thought, “I’ve been stabbed, I just don’t know who or why — yet.” echos in my mind. And my intuition silently nods Her head as we continue to roll through another set of cat/cow — breathing through the pain. Is this my past or my future that is trying to communicate with me? Leftover remnants of a psychic wound or a premontion of some future event?
More layers of intrigue get added to this riddle as I go. On that area sits a tattoo of my animal spirit guide. Why would my Wolf be trying so hard to get my attention?
When I got the tattoo Her job was to ‘watch’ my back and ‘guard’ my heart. So far She’s done a fabulous job. But lately She aches with two subtle heart opening poses.
I started the above post about two weeks ago. Fast forward to Sunday morning. Two days after I walked out of one of the most stressful J.O.B.s on the planet.
Sunday in yoga — I roll through cat/cow fluidly. I am nearly done with the sequence and moving back into child’s pose when it hits me — there was no pain. Not even a twinge of sensation.
I wait till the end of the class when we elevate into bridge and sure enough — up I go — free, with ease and painlessly assuming my old friend. Shoulders back, heart open, core strong.
As I drift off in corpse pose I ponder at this new freedom and then there is the nothingness of yoga nidra.
But now I know. I know the knife in my back was of my own doing. My own doubts which kept me staked to a place in time I shouldn’t be. The last six months The Universe had been nudging me for my own physical and emotional well being to move on. But I was stubborn. So stubborn I literally staked my own heart to the ground to remain with my friends.
I did not want to leave. Even though Everything In Me knew I had to.
My Wolf, My Heart, The Universe — every where there were signs, even physical pain — begging me to re-evaluate my stress level, my emotional needs, and my current life situation.
Lesson learned. When you get a tattoo and spiritually imprint it to ‘watch your back’ — know that She will. Even to the point of showing you the stake you have metaphorically driven into your own being. Until you finally remove it.