The Story I Didn’t Publish

What do you do with the anger?

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Photo by Fateme Alaie on Unsplash

It’s been a tough week — out There.

And I’ve been really pissed off.

I’ve tried breathing. I’ve tried yoga. I’ve tried meditation. Last night I even tried tequila. It didn’t help. Nothing helped.

So I wrote. I wrote all about The Anger. All. The. Things. I am so disappointed about. Frightened about. Sad about. Stressed about.

Because it’s not really anger at all — is it? Is it ever? When you stop and really exam it — anger is always the cover story. For a while there — I was pushing ‘righteous indignation’ to a new, higher level than I have in quite some time.

But none of us get to stand on this particular pedestal. And sure enough — way up at that altitude, I soon began to feel the dizziness of the thinner air and toppled down to earth again.

I am attached. Very attached to a certain future, it seems.

A future where Life is as I planned it.

A future where none of my friends become infected with the plague at work and die.

A future where nothing screws up my plans to retire and travel.

A future where my Best Friend and I go on glorious adventures and see All. The. Wonderous. Things.

A future where my family is safe, healthy, whole.

A future where I see my granddaughters whenever I choose.

A future that is safe, secure, happy, full of love. Blessed even.

I am also very attached to a certain set of beliefs.

Beliefs in contracts I hold with Humans/institutes/The Divine.

A belief that my employer will always provide me with the tools I need to be safe which allows me to take care of my patients in a moral and ethical manner.

A belief that no one dies before their time.

A belief that I am strong enough for These Days.

A belief that love is love is love.

A belief that life is an echo — you get what you give.

A belief that we are all one — there is no other.

And yet — to survive. To get past anger. To get to the root of all the emotions — I know I must let go of attachments. Every. Single. Attachment. To any kind of vision of the future. To any belief of any kind.

I must let go of it all. I must let the future that is to come — simply come.

I must let my Now exist without explanation or scale. I cannot lay judgment upon anyone or thing existing in this place and time with me. I must only Be.

It is the only path past the anger. It is the only path through the disappointment, fear, stress, and sadness. It is the only path back to my true self.

As I hit delete on the story I didn’t publish — the one full of my poison, anger, and angst — I also deleted those emotions. At least temporarily. I felt the relief of laying the burden down. In real-time. For a time.

It may not be ok. But right now — in this moment — I’m alright.

Namaste.

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Self discovery in progress, stay tuned

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