Its deafening. It makes my ears and my heart ache. The loss of giggles and small voices — even the shouts and screams of their discontent is preferrable to this vacuum. For once my solitude is an unwelcome guest.
I long for small arms to wrap around me. Wide eyes to see the world with. Excited voices to tell me all their secrets. Made up games with crystals and quilts. Quiet moments shared coloring pages and reading stories. Time spent listening to and recording stories of their Real Lives.
Whenever a visit with my grand children comes to a close, I am at a loss to find myself again. I have to endure re-entry back into my Real Life and leave Real Nana behind. It is a completely wretching process.
When I leave their home, the first hour of the drive south is spent in silence — collecting my emotions inbetween bouts of tears as I leave half my heart behind. When they leave my home, I send out thoughts for their safety and wander my once again tidy home in shock and longing. The ache in my chest a physical sensation.
They are a force, my grand daughters. The most precious of gifts from The Universe. I know as they grow this yearning to be part of their daily existence will only increase. One day I will be free from the shackles of my day to day responsibilities . Retirement will set me free to land closer to them and have the kind of ‘good byes’ that are more like ‘see you laters’.
Until then, I will face The Quiet with grace and gratitude for one of the most joyous of Mother’s Days. A day where I was surrounded by the chaos and love of my family.