In the quiet of These Days — a gift is given
There’s a lot of Humans who have a lot of time on their hands since social distancing happened.
In my own personal world, I have noticed All. The. Grief. rising up and facing off with me in this new version of My Life.
Pieces of pain I was sure I had felt and mourned and let go of ages and ages ago. But not so much — it seems.
When you are forced to sit still with your thoughts — your impenetrable shields are down. The busy life you carefully constructed to divert your attention from your own messy inner landscape is dust. You are face to face with hidden feelings you never in your life had any intention of feeling.
The losses you feel in your now have brought out a magnifying glass and focused it directly on the losses of your past. And unlike days of old — in These Days — you have absolutely no place to run. There is no place to hide.
But in the quiet times of These Days — I find myself ever so slowly looking at those feelings. Finally, from the distance of time, I can allow myself to feel them.
The unspeakable pain. The hidden grief. The shame of mistakes made. The guilt of hurts inflicted. It is a most uncomfortable reckoning.
I am not alone in this process. I am certain. The stillness foisted upon us by the shelter in place orders has forced many Humans to sit in their own company. To reflect when they would rather run. To face their pain when they would rather hide.
I think this more than anything else is the true reason Humans insist on leaving their homes. Not because they are defiant in the face of contracting COVID-19. Not because they make light of the threat to the health and safety of their communities. Not because they are unsupportive of the nurses and other healthcare workers who are on the front lines.
Humans break curfew — ignore shelter in place orders — gather when they should isolate simply because it is less painful than sitting in their own company with their past. With their thoughts. With All. The. Things. they hold in their hearts and their minds.
Not only is The Universe insisting we sit in stillness to heal Her planet — our outer landscape. She is insisting we sit in stillness to heal our inner landscape. Even the stuff we thought we have handled. She is making us open our boxes and let the light in.
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” — Mary Oliver