I went walking today. I do my best thinking while walking. One of the many reasons why I love to hike. The moving meditation process.
Today as I walked — I pondered All The Ghosts Of Relationships Past.
You know how that goes — you take the thing out and mull it over. You attempt to find The Pearl — The Lesson — The Insight. The whole reason why the broken hearts had to happen in the first place. Yours or theirs.
When I look at the relationships I have attempted to have since my divorce I found it came down to just this one fact:
I’m not ready.
It’s that painfully simple.
Even after nearly ten years of being on My Own — I’m. Not. Ready.
I had a good marriage for a long time. And — I am unwilling to replace That Which Was.
I tried to date for many years. I tried to convince myself I just hadn’t met The Right One. I fooled myself — and many men — into believing I was ready to love a someone.
But I wasn’t.
Today as I walked — I began to understand many things.
I understood — I am the common denominator in all the relationships I’ve had. None of which have lasted more than a few months.
I understood — It takes a long time to get your bearings when Your Life takes a drastic change of course — like when you get a divorce.
I understood — The happiness my friends have found in their relationships and their ability to bond as couples have nothing to do with me or why I am The Token Single Friend. It just doesn’t apply to me in any way, shape, or form. I need to stop making mental comparisons.
I understood — The reason why I was so much happier as a single person was because I was not ready to be part of a couple. Maybe not ready ever again to be part of a couple. Every cell in My Body and My Soul rejoiced and breathed a sigh of relief at this acknowledgment.
I understood — It was no one’s fault. Not the men, not mine, not The Universe’s, not Karma’s. It simply is.
I understood — It was ok not to be ready. Not to ever be ready. There is no rush, no mandate, no law which states I must be part of A Couple.
I understood — All. The. Things. it took to make a relationship work. All the sacrifices. All the compromises. What you must do to choose Love every day. To be Someone’s Someone.
I understood — I was Not It.