Be careful what you wish for. And be doubly careful when you put that intention permanently on your skin in ink.
“Freedom”. It was my first tattoo. And has been my heart’s innermost desire for as long as I can remember. Responsibility weighed heavily on me since I got the promotion to adulthood at age twelve after my mother’s death.
It’s not that I didn’t have a childhood or experience teenage years — I just experienced them through the lens of a forty-year-old in a kid suit. Internally — I had grown-up. Assumed the mantle of Responsible Adult in the madness which was my little family of origin at the time. Me and my father.
After my divorce, my kids were grown, and the first ex-boyfriend safely back across the pond — I was Free. For the first time in decades.
I took myself down to Ye Olde Tattoo Shoppe — on Valentine’s Day no less — and put the word FREEDOM on my left wrist. On the meridian to my heart. Near the hand, I would stretch out to receive another wedding ring should the opportunity arise. Just to remind me — to think twice about what the sacrifices and compromises would be should I ever decide to give away said heart.
A strange thing has happened since I placed that ink — with that intention — on that day.
No matter what the circumstances of the relationship — eventually when it ends (and they all do end) — some part of me breathes a sigh of relief.
Relief to have My Freedom restored in its entirety. The ability to live My Life without the responsibility of another’s heart or well being.
It may sound selfish or lonely to some, but to me after all the decades of living for the needs of others — hell, I even became a professional at it — a nurse! — I am at last able to care for Real Ann. I can focus on My Own Life — My Path — My Needs. Without the background noise of a Significant Other.
Our intentions are powerful things. There is always a black box warning on our desires — Be Careful What You Wish For. But in this instance — the best thing for me has been My Freedom and the space to find Real Ann unencumbered.
I wondered for the longest time why I was always relieved at the end of relationships. Even as a part of me often mourned — another part exhaled. The importance of My Relationship with myself is a lesson I’ve learned walking on My Path. Could it be I’m finally embracing it?
May you set your intentions this day — on Oestara. May the Full Moon plant the seed of your intention and may it grow and flourish in Your Life. May you always see the gift behind all of your intentions — no matter when or where they arrive.