I Never Did Need A Man

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Photo by Sarah Noltner on Unsplash

I’m not exactly sure when I figured this part of my life out.

It was certainly some time after I went on sabbatical from online dating. But even then — I still dabbled with the men I would meet IRL. Initially, I would argue fiercely with The Universe and rebuff their attentions. Eventually, though, I would give in and accept an invitation to dinner.

After that, I would look up to find myself ‘in a relationship’. Usually with mixed feelings about the whole thing.

I have never regretted the lessons I learned or the experiences I shared with those men. But at some point in time — I figured out I never did need a man in my life.

I was a complete Human all on my own. And had always been one.

Even when I was growing up and later as a married person, I took care of All. The. Things. I was the responsible adult in every single situation. I even made a career out of taking care of other humans.

I’m that good at not needing to be looked after.

The whole Fairy-Tale-Princess business sold to women as children — that we are helpless and powerless in our given circumstances — always left a bitter taste in my mouth. I was way more enchanted with the fact Cinderella and Snow White had animals as friends than in their ability to land Prince Charming as a spouse.

So I began to look at this. REALLY look at what I wanted in my life. The kinds of relationships that brought me what I needed.

At the end of all my pondering what I came to realize I wanted — was a friend.

A very good friend.

I didn’t want romance — I wanted friendship, affection, respect. Stability.

Just like I had in my relationships with friends.

I didn’t want chaos — I wanted peace, trust, lack of drama. Kindness

Just like I had in my relationships with friends.

I didn’t want limitations — I wanted adventures, a partner-in and out- of crime. Fun.

Just like I had in my relationships with friends.

I wanted a person who could see me, hear me, understand me. Real Ann. Who I am now and who I might grow into later.

Just like I had in my relationships with friends.

I stopped focusing on demands my body made for physical encounters which left me confused and adrift. I began to focus on what my soul wanted.

I decided to stop caring if I ever got laid again.

Through all of it, what I discovered was this: once you sorted out what you wanted out of life — really and truly wanted — The Universe will provide it for you.

Because just like that — he literally landed on my doorstep. The man who would grow from an acquaintance to a correspondent to a friend to My Best Friend over the course of the last couple of years.

We started slow, developed our friendship, sat shiva with each other through failed romantic endeavors. We listen to each other. We respect each other. We allow each other to ‘Be’.

There are no rules, no chains, no expectations, no cages.

Just like I have with my relationships with friends.

Over a year into it — he told me — “You know, this is a relationship.” I’m not sure which one of us was more stunned at the news his intuition led him to reveal.

I never needed a man to save me, because I was never lost. I just wanted a friend.

Namaste.

“Cinderella never asked for a Prince. She asked for a night off and a dress.” — Kiera Cass

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Self discovery in progress, stay tuned

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