Recently a bit of a health crisis made me cancel my life and re-think not just the way I constructed it, but also the way I interacted with the world. I’m sure I’m not the first person to have this ‘come to Jesus meeting’ with their reality and to find it wanting. The problem I encountered was that previous to this, I had thought I was on the right path and moving in the direction The Universe wanted me to go. My ego firmly driving the bus down a road paved by my good intentions but so obviously heading to the correct destination with my intellectual and logical GPS guiding me. I was stunned, literally, into silence to find how wrong I was.

Two weeks of quiet, except for the sounds of my coughing and the short conversations with friends and family who checked on me (most texted) lead me to a place I had not been before. I canceled everything I had going on. Work, a beach trip, an Easter visit to see my grandchildren, a hair appointment, a yoga retreat, and I waited. I had pushed pause on my life in the past, but this was different. As I struggled and focused on each breath, I knew The Divine had stopped me in my tracks to get my attention and teach me. I was to pay attention this time. It was a matter of life and death. My life, not just in the present, but all future present moments would be changed.

In the past I had worried about any and every thing, a long medical history of anxiey and panic attacks plagued me. The future was never my friend and my breathing issues only made the panic attacks worse. This time, I relaxed into the unknown and felt the comfort of a Presence, The Loving Divine that I had been denying for decades. I had acknowledged ‘The Universe’ as a impersonal creative force but I refused to let Divinity get in my space. I had held my armor firmly in place for as long as I could remember, my ego bearing the weight knowing that only I could protect myself from the world and it’s painful outcomes.

As I sat and breathed in those two weeks, The Divine reminded me of all the times things turned out ok. In fact, even in the darkest moments, things turned out ok. When I had no control of events, things turned out ok. When I was hurt or grieving, things turned out ok. When crisis came knocking on my door, things turned out ok. In fact, all the things that I had worked so hard to protect myself from had never happened. I had armored myself for a war that never arrived, like an ancient knight. It was time to put down the shields for keeps. It was time to listen more. It was time to let the world and Her in.

Is transformation of one’s life easy? No not hardly ever. It’s been another two weeks now and I’m back to work. I have tried to carry forward the lessons I learned sitting on my couch and just breathing. Those days when I prayed to The Divine to change me into the human I was meant to be, when my chest was literally and metaphysically cracked opened and emptied of all it’s sludge. There have been moments in these two weeks when I’ve felt the familiar clench of the fear that used to be my constant companion. I look at those triggers now and ask for help with them, help from my friends, my co-workers, from The Divine. I work hard to leave my armor on the ground and not to pick it up and carry it with me any more. Its easier than I thought.

What I have learned is this — you will receive back exactly what you put out. Exactly. When I put out anger & fear, that came back to me and a vicious cycle perpetuated my life. It took a health crisis to stop me in my tracks and to up end the whole process with a Divine intervention. Since then, I’ve tried to put love, acceptance, and loving kindness out into this very wounded world. Even the things that make me want to run screaming to Washington holding a protest sign, I’ve tried to hold in a healing light. Because I have found, if I react with anger or aggression it simply brings more of that back into my own world. We are reflections of the energy we send out.

Thoughts are powerful things. May yours be filled with peace, love, and the security of knowing that there is a loving force in charge of our lives. And She’s got this. We just need to get out of Her way. And love each other so much there’s no room for hate to be reflected from anyone’s mirror.

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Self discovery in progress, stay tuned

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