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Photo by Darius Soodmand on Unsplash

That’s what it feels like today. My airway is so sensitive every breath burns coming and going. The effort to draw air over the coals exhausts me.

Tonight I will sleep propped up on pillows with steroids and antibiotics coursing through my veins in a war being fought on a microscopic level.

I am forced to be still. Stillness is the only antidote for the breathlessness and exhaustion.

I went into work today — soldiered on as a good nurse should. When I shouldn’t have. But there were patients, coworkers, doctors, and bosses to satisfy. Does it always come down to that? What I perceive others need of me rather than what I need of me?

My Body will tell me when I have to be still. My Body will tell me when I have to make room to grieve the grief which resides in my chest. My Body will force the rest of me to give Her what She needs to survive or else we all will not.

In this, I think I love Her most of all. My Body who doesn’t listen so much to the arguments of The Mind (there’s so much to do!!!) or the guilt of The Heart (if you stay home your coworkers will have all the more to do!!) or the insecurities of The Ego (if you’re not there — they will know you are replaceable!!). She will have no opinions from The Peanut Gallery. She simply shuts them all down.

And so we rest. Body, Mind, Heart, Ego. For as long as She tells us to. The Body — the least permanent of the Quartet will run this show for a while.


Self discovery in progress, stay tuned

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