Photo by Satyawan Narinedhat on Unsplash

My bird feeder has vanished.

Without a trace. It was there when I went on vacation a week ago Sunday and was gone by Thursday when my daughter came by to refill it. There is no trace of it on the ground or in the surrounding woods. My neighbor denies any knowledge of its where abouts.

So I decided to take a moment and try to imagine what might have happened to my nearly brand new $40 squirrel proof bird feeder.

Scenario #1: It got knocked down and the landscapers in a fit of completely out of character tidiness went up into the woods picked it up and tossed it in the trash.

Scenario #2: Bird feeder thieves hit our neighborhood and stole ALL the bird feeders. However, since I was on vacation — the cops never realized mine was also taken and I did not have the opportunity to get a replacement up and running in a timely fashion — thus making it appear that MY bird feeder is the only one missing.

Scenario #3: It got knocked down and carried WAY far off into the woods by some uber strong squirrels who feasted on all the bird seed in it because the squirrel ‘proof’ feature only works when it’s upright. They ate and sang “Fuck You! Ann Litts!” joyously the entire time.

Scenario #4: A hawk swooped down to get a squirrel who was clinging to the side of my squirrel proof bird feeder attempting unsuccessfully to nab some seed. In the process the hawk not only got said squirrel but also got said bird feeder and the thing is now a chew toy for its fledglings.

Scenario #5: It was kidnapped, however the ransom note went astray as I was in the Caribbean and never recieved it. The kidnappers thus were forced to murder the bird feeder and it’s buried in a shallow grave in Chatham county.

Scenario #6: It fell through a tear in the space time continuum and is now hanging up in front of The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe.

I could go on — but I’ll leave you with those.

I’m just left shaking my head thinking — What the fuck? Eventually I’ll head over to Lowes and replace it. But for now, pondering the fate of my bird feeder has given me several minutes of entertainment.


Self discovery in progress, stay tuned