I recently realized I had spent much of My Life angry. There was no exact object which I focused My Anger upon. I was just pissed off. I lived Life like a raw nerve — ready to react to any provocation.
Anxiety and OCD contributed to the hypersensitivity of My Anger. As did my underlying personality (Enneagram 8), my zodiac sign (Fire sign — Sagittarius), my chosen career (OR nurse), and my independence streak (massive trust issues from my childhood).
My Anger lived in My Life like a perpetual not-so-far-off thunderstorm. You could always see the clouds, hear the murmurs of thunder in the distance, feel the change in the air from the static of the lightning.
I was a Perfect Anger Storm.
The way I came to realize I had lived so many years of My Life in this state was quite simple.
I woke up one day without The Storm on my horizon.
There was only sunshine, cool breezes, and peace. It began to dawn on me — it had been a long time since I felt The Storm Of My Anger.
When did it dissipate? I can’t be sure. Likely it slowly unwound in the same manner it had formed — gradually — over time. And when I looked up, I found — I was simply not the same Human.
Oh sure — lots of things still piss me off. Don’t get me wrong. But these days I can identify the source.
The biggest difference is this — I don’t react as much these days. I’m not looking for a battle. I may not have taken off my armor, but my sword is in its sheath. I am less likely to blindly lash out at All. The. Things. I have learned how to Let It Go.
On most days — I am successful. On those days — peace remains. On other days when I am less successful — The Storm returns me to chaos.
I am learning — slowly.
Durga/Kali/Sekhmet — Bad Ass Goddesses one and all — teach us there is nothing inherently wrong with Anger as an emotion if we let it flow through us to bring about change — rebirth — growth. But as with All Emotions — we should never try to live there. Emotions are meant to be embraced, felt, and released.
As I watch others who are still living in Anger. I understand their struggle — it’s a brutal place to be — emotionally, physically, spiritually exhausting. So many of us use Our Anger to protect ourselves. Our Anger is Our Shield, Our Security Blanket.
What will Our Life be if we let go of Our Anger?
Anything — All. The. Things. — we want it to be.